Detoxing 2013

I've never been so bitter. This selfish feeling in my head just saying 'Fuck it, fuck it all'. Why haven't things changed like I want them to? Why did the one thing that I didn't want to change actually change?

Today is January 19 2014 and I have decided what my New Years resolution. No it's not to quit smoking or to be a nicer person or to tone down my personality or to tone down my social life. My New Years resolution is to be more selfish. Is that a bad thing? I've decided that it isn't. For the past six months I have been KICKING my self to the floor about what is wrong with me and what needs to be fixed. I usually say that my friends are the diamonds that I keep in my jewellery box but what do I classify my self as? Do my diamonds think I'm a diamond too? Well I'll answer that for them...

I'm a rare fucking diamond with a crack or two. But I can live with that. For the past six months I have been thinking why I haven't I written anything on my blog. Why haven't I expressed my self like I usually do? Lately I've been feeling like I'm in a rut which is my life questioning so many things...

- When is it actually going to begin?

- When will I finish my degree?

- Will I actually get that promotion?

- Will I achieve what I'm working my ass for?

- Will those extra hours at the gym give me my dream ass?

- When will that gentleman come along?

One of my most treasured diamonds tonight made me realise that yes I know what my long-term goals are but what are my short-term goals? How am I going to make 2014 different to 2013? Well I've decided that my first form of attack for this year is to focus more on me. I'll be making more time for something that I love which is to write. No I'm not E.L James or Paullina Simons and definitely no Adriana Kupresak. *That last one is my personal favourite*. But I want to keep learning and keep moving forward. And if people don't like my writing technique? Oh well. That's just too bad so sad. I'm not following a script. I'm a mess. My room is a mess, my desk is a mess and right now my life is and it's definitely time to get that Windex out to clean my mirror to finally realise 'Ivana this is what you have to work with. How the fuck are you going to do it?'

Am I holding more on my shoulders than what I can balance? Maybe... I've deferred Uni for two semesters and I've gotten a full job, which entails me to fix people's problems for a living. Sometimes I think if only these people knew what I had on my silver platter right now would they actually let me fix their shit? I don't think so. I don't need to fixed. I need to go in for a 'service' like a car. I need that light back on me to remind me that my existence has a purpose. I don't know what my purpose is but I'll figure it out. This year I'm going to be the not so big 20 years old. I'm not going to be a teenybopper anymore. Can I even handle that change? Not really!!

I've got an excel spreadsheet to-do list in my mind.

'Which problem do you want to tackle first princess?' I think my first plan of attack isn't to think of the previous assholes in my life that toyed with my mind and manipulated me to think that everything they did was good for me when it wasn't.

Plan A - This princess is focusing on herself.

I will not be dominated by another person to tell me what to do, how to act and how to present my self. Why do people say be unique and your own person but then criticize you for it? Oh humans, we are such an unpredictable race.

Princess is an overpowering personality who wants her opinion heard loud and clear. She tells you what she wants and what she doesn't. She loves whom she chooses and the rest can run for the hills. She thinks she deserves more attention than the million and one girls in bandage dresses at marquee. Why? Because she's not apart of the majority. She moved a long time out of her comfort zone and is definitely not going to be the same as every other girl in Sydney. Plus her ass would look way too big in a fake Hervé Léger.

Every new year we say it's time for a change. I've just decided the change a bit later than most people.

This probably makes sense to no one. But it does to me. So, fuck it.

I've set all of my regrets on fire, now it's time to turn the page.

#Rantover

Xx Princess I.






There's no one to keep me warm tonight but I don't need that extra body because I have a body pillow. - quoted by Ivana Princess.